The X-Men Evolution Telethon
by Nagi-Oki
Summary: What happens when the cast of X-Men: Evo needs money? They hold a telethon! Well, it was fun while it lasted, enjoy the finale!
1. SEND MONEY PLEEZ!

The X-Men Evolution Telethon  
By: Nagi-Oki  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own anything, not even the underwear I wore when I wrote this crap. Here's a neat idea, write all reviews as calls into the telethon.  
  
  
Scene: Red curtains infront of a stage.  
  
Apocalypse: Welcome to The X-Men Evolution Telethon! This is your omnipotent and all powerful announcer Apocalypse saying that when I take over the world, the streets will flow with the blood of all who oppose me! That includes you Debbie the intern! I'll teach you to turn me down for a date you---  
  
[Kurt pokes his head out the curtains, he's wearing head sets and carrying a clipboard.]  
  
Kurt: Hey Apocalypse! Ve ain't got all night! Stick to dhe teleprompter or do you VANNA be a stick figure in dhe dhird season!  
  
Apocalypse: I don't need your crap you smurf reject!  
  
Kurt: Ve can alvays replace your butt! You can go back to being villan extras in all dhose Final Fantasy games!  
  
Apocalypse: Hey! I told that to you in confidence!  
  
[Todd pokes his head out.]  
  
Todd: Magneto says that if you don't get with the program he's gonna come up there and do it for ya yo!  
  
Apocalypse: Alright, fine whatever. And here's your hosts for this fantastic evening professor Charles Xavier and Mystique!  
  
Kurt: Cue music and pull the curtains!  
  
[Kurt retreats backstage as the curtains, Mystique and professor Xavier are dressed in their best standing in the middle of the stage. To their right Juggernaut, Principal Kelly, Amanda, Forge, Taryn, Beast, and Sabretooth are sitting at a table with phones and clipboards infront of them. To their left is Jean dressed in a green dress infront of a numberboard.]  
  
Mystique: Good evening one and all and welcome to the X-Men: Evolution Telethon! I'm Raven Darkholme but you can call me Mystique.  
  
Professor: And I'm professor Charles Xavier, but don't call me late for dinner.  
  
[Mystique blatantly fake laughs at his joke.]  
  
Mystique: Oh you're SOOOOOO funny Charles. But on a serious note, you're all probably wondering why such a popular show even NEEDS a telethon. Well people, to be honest the heads of our show made a few bad investments...  
  
Professor: They thought the Generals would beat the Harlem Globetrotters.  
  
Mystique: And lost our entire budget for next season. That is where YOU! Our trusty and faithful audiance comes in.  
  
Professor: Yes Mystique, to quote the famous Bobby McFarin, 'We're Worried, Need Money!'  
  
Mystique: Charles, that's not one of his songs.  
  
Professor: Not after HIS career.  
  
Off-Screen Kurt: Ok this isn't vorking! Mystique you be comic relief, professor you're dhe host!  
  
[The professor looks off-screen at Kurt.]  
  
Professor: But I was trying my best I really was!  
  
OS Kurt: Vell, try dhis now!  
  
[The professor gets a hurt look on his face. Mystique elbows him and gestures to the camera. He blinks back.]  
  
Professor: Oh! And let's look at our gracious and wonderful volunteers who will be taking your calls.  
  
[Amanda looks down at her chained feet.]  
  
Amanda: Volunteers?  
  
Kelly: By 'volunteers' he must mean 'poor dolts that we tied up and forced to do this'...  
  
Amanda: Oh...  
  
Professor: And to our left is the lovely Jean Grey who will be monitering our number board.  
  
[Jean poses next to the number board.]  
  
Mystique: Maybe we should have picked someone who knows math to do that.  
  
[Everyone on and off stage cracks up. Mystique looks surprised.]  
  
Mystique: No, I'm serious.  
  
Professor: You're probably saying 'ok, I'll send you the money, but what do we get in return? Are you and Mystique going to babble back and forth for god-knows-how-long?' Well, the cast of our spectacular show has put together some wonderful acts for your entertainment. And now we'll take you to our first act in studio three where some of our favorite non-mutant characters are ready to rock.  
  
Mystique: Professor, Duncan's NOT a favorite character.  
  
[Everyone cracks up again, Mystique just looks to the camera and shrugs. Cut to: Bayville high dance auditorium, spotlight shines down on Duncan dressed as a *NSYNC reject.]  
  
Duncan: Dirty pop!  
  
[Another spotlight shines down on Arcade who flips on the turn tables he's behind.]  
  
Duncan:  
Sick and tired of hearing all these people talk about  
What's the deal with this pop life and when is it gonna fade out  
The thing you got to realize, what we doing is not a trend  
  
[Three more spotlights shine down on Jason, Paul, and Griff.]  
  
All:  
We got the gift of melody,  
  
Duncan:  
We gonna bring it 'til the end  
C'mon now  
  
[Duncan tosses the mike to Paul]  
  
All:  
It doesn't matter  
  
Paul:  
'Bout the car I drive or what I wear around my neck  
  
All:  
All that matters  
  
Paul:  
Is that you recognize that it's just about respect  
  
All:  
It doesn't matter  
  
Paul:  
About the clothes I wear and where I go and why  
  
All:  
All that matters  
  
Paul:  
Is that you get hyped 'cause we'll do it to you every time  
Come on now  
  
All:  
Do you ever wonder why, this music gets you high?  
It takes you on a ride, feel it when your body starts to rock  
  
Paul:  
Body starts to rock.  
  
All:  
Baby you can't stop  
  
Paul:  
You can't stop  
  
All:  
And the music's all you got,  
  
Paul:  
Come on now  
  
All:  
This must be, pop  
  
Duncan:  
Dirty pop, that you can't stop  
I know you like this dirty pop  
  
All:  
This must be,  
  
Paul:  
Now, why you wanna try to classify the type of thing we do  
  
All:  
Cause were just fine doing what we like,  
  
Paul:  
Can we say the same for you  
Tired of feeling all around me  
  
[Guys make claw gestures at the cameras.]  
  
All:  
Animosity  
  
Paul:  
Just worry about trust cause I'ma get mine, people can't you see  
  
[Paul passes the mike back to Duncan.]  
  
All:  
It doesn't matter  
  
Duncan:  
'Bout the car I drive or the ice around my neck  
  
All:  
All that matters,  
  
Duncan:  
Is that you recognize that it's just about respect, Oh  
  
All:  
It doesn't matter,  
  
Duncan:  
About the clothes I wear or where I go and why  
  
All:  
All that matters,  
  
Duncan:  
Is that you get hyped and we'll do it to you every time  
Come on  
  
[Duncan passes the mike back to Paul.]  
  
All:  
Do you ever wonder why  
  
Paul:  
Why  
  
All:  
This music gets you high?  
  
Paul:  
Gets you high  
  
[Paul passes the mike back to Duncan.]  
  
All:  
It takes you on a ride, feel it when your body starts to rock  
  
Duncan:  
Body starts to rock  
  
All:  
Baby you can't stop  
  
Duncan:  
You can't stop  
  
All:  
And the music's all you got,  
  
Duncan:  
Baby come on  
  
All:  
This must be, pop  
  
Duncan:  
OooOoooOoooooh  
  
Duncan: Man I'm tired of singing  
  
[The four guys fly into their dance routine, until mysteriously their pants fall down around their ankles. They glare off stage as they try to continue but end up tripping and falling over.]  
  
Duncan:  
Dirty, dirty, dirty pop  
Dirty pop  
  
All:  
Do you ever wonder  
  
[Tabitha's laughter can be heard as the guys get up and fix their pants ready for their finale.]  
  
All:  
Do you ever wonder why  
  
Paul:  
Ever wonder why  
  
All:  
This music gets you high?  
  
Paul:  
Gets you high  
  
All:  
It takes you on a ride, feel it when your body starts to rock  
  
Duncan:  
When your body starts to rock  
  
All:  
Baby you can't stop  
  
Paul:  
Baby don't stop  
  
All:  
And the music's all you got,  
  
Duncan + Paul:  
Come on now  
  
All:  
This must be...  
  
All:  
Do you ever wonder why  
  
Duncan:  
Ever wonder why  
  
All:  
This music gets you high?  
  
Paul:  
Music gets you high  
  
All:  
It takes you on a ride, feel it when your body starts to rock  
  
Duncan:  
Your body starts to rock  
  
All:  
Baby you can't stop, the music's all you got  
This must be, pop  
  
[The guys pose infront of the turn tables as an off-screen audiance applauds them. Cut to: Mystique and the professor clapping for the boys.]  
  
Professor: Wonderful! Simply wonderful! Those boys sure are N SYNC with each other!  
  
OS Kurt: Professor!  
  
Professor: Sorry Kurt, I couldn't help myself.  
  
Mystique: Let's go to our volunteers, how're we doing?  
  
Taryn: The phone's lighting up!  
  
[Cut to: A camera by Taryn, only two lights are flashing.]  
  
Taryn: Two callers!^^  
  
[Taryn presses one button.]  
  
Taryn: Hello...no Doris doesn't live here...  
  
[Taryn presses another button.]  
  
Taryn: Hello...Oh Debbie! I was just about to call you!...Yea that's me on the TV...  
  
[Taryn waves hi to the camera as it cuts back to a very sweatdroppy Mystique and professor.]  
  
Mystique: Was that trip really necessary? Ok people, let me put it to you this way, there are a BILLION *NSYNC and BACKSTREET BOYS songs out there and those idiots will sing each and every one of them until you call in.  
  
[Suddenly the phones light up and everyone starts writing down information.]  
  
Professor: Way to throw the fear of god into them 'stique.  
  
Mystique: I know, I still got it.  
  
Professor: I'm sure all of you are looking forward to our third season, how about we look at some choice moment that we have planned.  
  
[The professor points a clicker at the huge screen behind him. An image of Scott trapped under a car in an auto-shop class comes up.]  
  
Professor: Scott will learn that cars are heavy.  
  
[He presses the clicker again, The ghosts of Christmas past, present, and future are hovering around Magneto in his bed.]  
  
Professor: Three ghosts will convince Magneto to change his ways.  
  
[He presses the clicker again. It's Evan holding a velvet box with a diamond ring in it to Pietro who looks surprised and happy.]  
  
Professor: Evan will finally propose to Pietro.  
  
[He presses the clicker again. It's a picture of Kurt with three more Kurts, one is red with his hair in dredlocks, one is green with a short haircut and glasses, and the last one is yellow with really long hair.]  
  
Professor: Kurt finds his long lost quartuplet brothers Sanka, Lee, and Bruce.  
  
[He presses the clicker and there's Tabitha in a guilotinne.]  
  
Professor: We're finally killing off Tabitha!   
  
[There's thunderous applause from off screen.]  
  
OS Tabitha: Hey! I resent that!  
  
[He presses the clicker again, it's a pregnant Lance and a shocked Kitty.]  
  
Professor: Guess who's having a baby!  
  
[He presses presses the clicker again, it's Principal Kelly posing in a leopard skin speedo.]  
  
Mystique: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!  
  
Professor: Oops, how did that get in there...Jean makes her final decision!  
  
[Professor clicks, Jean's holding up the green sweatshirt.]  
  
Professor: And she's stickin' to it.  
  
[He clicks, it's a picture of Rogue looking angrily at a chimpanzee sitting next to her.]  
  
Professor: Rogue gets a boyfriend named Gambit!  
  
[He ducks as the audiance throws rotten fruit at him. He presses the clicker again, it's Logan holding a lighsaber infront of Sabretooth dressed as Darth Vader.]  
  
Professor: And finally, Logan will finally confront Darth Tooth and find out what happened to his father.  
  
Mystique: It's a real nail biter too, who would have thought that Sabretooth is ACTUALLY Logan's father!  
  
[The audiance boos and the volunteers look pissed.]  
  
Juggernaut: Thanks a lot Mystique! You ruined the whole season! Now the writers have to start all over again!  
  
Mystique: Don't you have some calls to be taking!  
  
Juggernaut: What you wanna piece 'a me!?  
  
Mystique: Bring it on jail bait!  
  
[Mystique lunges at Juggernaut and two start killing each other, the professor tries to keep his cool and move along.]  
  
Professor: Ok, Jean, how's the numbers coming?  
  
Jean: Well, before Mystique went ballistic, we were at $2,000.50...  
  
Professor: Why that's the amount of money we usually spend on morphine for Hank!  
  
[Jean turns and the numbers stop spinning at $5,013.50.]  
  
Jean: NOW we're at $5,013.50...  
  
[Jean smiles as the audiance applauds.]  
  
Professor: That's wonderful, but we're still far from our goal!  
  
Amanda: Um, this caller wants to know exactly how much money we need for the third season.  
  
Professor: An amount? That's a hard question...Well, we do our own stunts so that saves us money there. But there are other things, like the elaborate sets...  
  
Forge: Well, we also need to buy bananas for all those monkies.  
  
Professor: What monkies? OH! The writers! I forgot about them.  
  
Jean: And my wardrobe! Don't forget my wardrobe!  
  
Beast: Don't forget the prozac we take between takes.  
  
Taryn: I don't get any prozac.  
  
Kelly: You don't need it the adult actors do.  
  
Apocalypse: Don't forget my devestatingly awe-inspiring powers that will make this planet bow to my knees!  
  
[Magneto runs onto the stage from the side.]  
  
Magneto: No we don't! We need the money to fund my sinister plots to enslave humanity because I'm a bitter prune faced----HEY! KURT! Toad's screwing with the teleprompter!  
  
OS Todd: Hee hee hee.^^  
  
Apocalypse: Forget him! What about me!? I'm the all-powerful Apocalypse! People shall quake before me and stuff!  
  
Magneto: Oh get lost ya HACK! You sucked on the FOX show too!  
  
Apocalypse: Did not! Anyway you're an old geezer in the movie! What, you taking steroids to beef up your physique!?  
  
Forge: Oh yea, that's another thing we need money for.  
  
Magneto: HEY!  
  
OS Kurt: OK OK CALM DOWN PEOPLE! Apocalypse, shut up about taking over dhe vorld! Magneto, help pull Mystique and Juggernaut appart! Forge, get back to taking calls! Toad, knock it off mit dhe teleprompter! Professor, move it along!  
  
Amanda: What do I tell the caller?  
  
OS Kurt: I don't know, vhatever ve don't make ve'll auction of each other to get.  
  
[Amanda nods and goes back to the caller. Magneto pulls Mystique away who's still clawing to get at Juggernaut.]  
  
Mystique: Lemme atim! Lemme atim!  
  
Professor: Mystique, calm down you can kill my brother later, we have a show to do.  
  
[Mystique straightened her dress and hair.]  
  
Mystique: Hmph, ok Xavier, what else do we have lined up for our viewers.  
  
Professor: We have a lot of fun stuff lined up for our viewers Mystique. A fun cavalcade of whimsy...  
  
Mystique: You have no freaking idea until the teleprompter tells you, don't you.  
  
Professor: No ma'am.  
  
Mystique: We'll be right back after this capitalist propaganda.  
  
[Cut to Commericial.] 


	2. MONEY! YOU GOT IT WE NEED IT!

The X-Men Evolution Telethon  
By: Nagi-Oki  
  
Scene: Back on the stage, Mystique is smiling as the professor welcomes back the audiance.  
  
Professor" Welcome back, as I was just telling Mystique. We've all been busy little bees preparing for our spectacular second season.  
  
Mystique: Really? I wonder what it would be like if we WERE bees...  
  
[Cue cheesy daydream dissolve: The Xavier Hive for Gifted Arthropods, a grumpy Logan dressed in a bee costume walks in.]  
  
Logan: Honey I'm home...  
  
[Ororo comes out dressed as a bee with a crown on her head.]  
  
Ororo: Welcome home, Logan. What's the BUZZ from the PLANT?  
  
Logan: Ah you know, wiggle wiggle, buzz, wiggly wiggle buzzly buzz buzz.  
  
Ororo: Wipe your feet, I don't want you tracking pollen all over the floor. I just waxed it!  
  
[The professor wheels out dressed up as a bee.]  
  
Professor: Assemble the swarm, the Brotherhood of evil arthropods is getting ready to attack.  
  
[The students pile in, dressed in equally cheap bee costumes. Kurt's costume is blue and black instead of black and yellow.]  
  
Scott: It must be a STING operation!  
  
Evan: Just tell them to BUZZ off!  
  
Jean: We'll BEE all we can BEE!  
  
Rogue: Oh just let it BEE, HONEY!  
  
Kurt: Ve'll just have to grin and BEAR it!  
  
Kitty: Like what's the BUZZ professor!  
  
Logan: Stop right there! That's enough bad bee puns from you kids.  
  
[The Brotherhood comes in dressed as equally stupid bees, except for Fred he's dressed as a bear. Lance leaps at Scott, turns around, and thrusts his stinger at Scott.]  
  
Lance: Take that Sumnervs!  
  
[Scott and Lance start fencing with their stingers. Blob sits there and eays honey from a pot as Jean and Rogue try to sting him.]  
  
Rogue: We gotta stop him before he gets the royal jelly!  
  
OS Mystique: Ok, I've had enough of this.  
  
[Cue disolve back to reality: Mystique looks totally weirded out by that skit.]  
  
Mystique: That has to be the stupidest piece of crap I've ever seen since Asteroid M.  
  
OS Magneto: HEY!  
  
Mystique: Well it IS!  
  
Professor: Moving right along, most people would be surprised that Fredrick J. Dukes can do more than eat...  
  
Mystique: Yes, thanks to a special method of liposuction, he now sells homemade soaps on the internet.  
  
[Everyone drops what they're doing to stare at Mystique like she just exploded.]  
  
Amanda: EEEEWWWW...  
  
Forge: Well I'll never eat again as long as I live...  
  
Sabretooth: TMI 'Stique...TOO MUCH INFORMATION...  
  
Professor: Actually I was referring to his hobby of singing folk and country songs.  
  
Mystique: Sounds more like a gopher caught in lawnmower.  
  
Professor: And with the dramatic help of Evan Daniels and Pietro Maximoff, he brings to us the epic tale of two fiddle players. Live in studio 34, here's Fred Dukes singing 'The Devil Went Down to Georgia'!  
  
[Cut to: A stage with Fred sitting in a pile of hay tuning a guitar.]  
  
Fred: Hey all, I'm gonna sing you one of my favorite country songs with the help of my friend Pietro and his rival Evan.  
  
[Fred starts strumming the guitar as behind him in the back ground Pietro wanders out on stage. He's wearing horns and a red leotard with a spaded tail, he's rubbing his hands together in an evil manner, looking around wildly.]  
  
Fred:  
The Devil went down to Georgia, he was looking for a soul to steal.  
He was in a bind, 'cause he was way behind, he was willing to make a deal.  
  
[Pietro looks surprised as he pouints to Evan sitting under a fake tree playing with a fiddle.]  
  
Fred:  
When he came across this young man sawing on a fiddle and playing it hot.  
  
[Pietro jumps onto a stump and mouths his part of the song. Evan looks up at Pietro watching with intrigue as he acts.]  
  
Fred:  
And the Devil jumped up on a hickory stump and said,  
"Boy let me tell you what:  
I guess you didn't know it, but I'm a fiddle player too,  
And if you'd care to take a dare, I'll make a bet with you.  
Now you play a pretty good fiddle, boy, but give the Devil his due.  
I bet a fiddle of gold against your soul  
'cause I think I'm better than you."  
  
[Evan mouths his part, rubbing his chin in consideration.]  
  
Fred:  
The boy said, "My name's Johnny and it might be a sin,  
But I'll take your bet, you're gonna regret,  
'cause I'm the best there's ever been."  
  
[Evan gets up, they circle each other sizing for the fight.]  
  
Fred:  
Johnny, rosin up your bow and play your fiddle hard,  
'Cause hell's broke loose in Georgia and the Devil deals it hard  
And if you win you'll get this shiny fiddle made of gold,  
But if you lose, the Devil gets your soul!  
  
[Pietro opens a violin case and pulls out a fiddle made of gold (FAKE!!!). He mock plays it and a red spotlight shines down on him.]  
  
Fred:  
The Devil opened up his case and he said, "I'll start this show."  
And fire flew from his fingertips as he rosined up his bow.  
And he pulled the bow across the strings and it made an evil hiss.  
Then a band of demons joined in, and it sounded something like this.  
  
[Lance, Tabby, and Mesemero dressed up as cheesy demons with a guitar, a tamborine, and a bongo start playing with Pietro. When his solo's finished, the stage returns to it's normal colour. Evan gets up with a reed in his mouth and motions for Pietro to sit down.]  
  
Fred:  
When the Devil finished, Johnny said, "Well you're pretty good old son.  
But sit down in that chair right there and let me show you how it's done!"  
  
[Evan starts playing, Pietro doesn't look impressed.]  
  
Fred:  
Fire on the Mountain, run, boys, run.  
The Devil's in the house of the rising sun.  
Chicken in the breadpan picking out dough,  
Granny does your dog bite, "No, child, no."  
  
Fred:  
The Devil bowed his head because he knew that he'd been beat.  
And he laid that golden fiddle on the ground at Johnny's feet.  
Johnny said, "Devil, just come on back if you ever want to try again,  
I done told you once, you son of a #####, I'm the best there's ever been."  
  
[Pietro jumps as he hears the lyrics. The song stops once Pietro starts screaming.]  
  
Pietro: WAIT A MINUTE! WAITTAMINUTE! WAITTAMINUTE!! WHADDAYAMEAN THE DEVIL'S BEEN BEAT! I'M THE DEVIL! I CAN'T LOSE! 'SPECIALLY NOT EVEN TO DANIELS!  
  
Evan: Pietro you lose! Get over it! That's how the song goes!  
  
Pietro: THIS IS BULLCRAP! I'M THE DEVIL FOR CRIPES' SAKE! I'LL OPEN UP THE GROUND AND SUCK YOU TO CHINA!  
  
Evan: Grow up Maximoff!  
  
Pietro: Here's your gold fiddle you wussy!  
  
[Pietro smashes the fiddle on Evan's head. Evan screams in rage and tackles Pietro as the two try to strangle each other. Fred watches from the foreground. He turns around and smiles nervously.]  
  
Fred: Uuuh...back to you Chuck.  
  
[Cut to: Main stage, Mystique and Forge are betting on who will win.]  
  
Forge: I got twenty on Evan!  
  
Mystique: Hell yea! I'm up for that!  
  
Professor: Thank you Fred, that was...dramatic. Anyway, it's time Bobby tested your X-Gene IQ on...  
  
Everyone: WHO'S THE MUTANT!!!  
  
[Bobby makes an iceslide onto the stage as the audiance applauds.]  
  
Bobby: Yea! Hang onto yer lunch! Cuz it's time for WHO'S THE MUTANT! The game where everyone, including you viewers can try to guess who's the mutant! Now here's the way it goes, three pictures will appear on your screen. YOU have to guess which person's the mutant.  
  
Professor: That sounds hard.  
  
Bobby: Don't worry, if you can't guess it, we'll highlight the mutant for you! Ok now for our first group...  
  
[Three picture appears on the screen, it's Bob Dole. The next is Warren Worthington III. The last one is Elton John.]  
  
Bobby: Ok everyone...WHO'S THE MUTANT!  
  
Audiance: 'Number one!' 'Pick number one!' 'No it's three!' 'Three! Three! Definately number three!' 'I'll bet money it's number three!' 'Gravy!'  
  
Professor: Gee...this is going to be a lot harder than I thought...  
  
Bobby: Three seconds professor...  
  
Professor: Um...um...number three!  
  
BUZZ!  
  
Bobby: I'm sorry professor, the CORRECT answer was number two. But maybe the next one will be easier.  
  
[The first picture is Nick Fury. The second picture is Captain America. The third picture is Sabretooth.]  
  
Sabretooth: OOOO! I know this one! It is SOOO easy!  
  
Bobby: No pinching from the peanut gallery! Ok professor X! WHO'S THE MUANT!  
  
Audiance: 'Number one!' 'Pick number two!' 'No it's one!' 'Three! No two! No definately number one!' 'It's two you numnut!' 'Buttered toast!'  
  
Professor: Number two!  
  
BUZZ!  
  
Bobby: Nope, it's number three. Boy you suck at this professor...  
  
Professor: This is too hard!  
  
Bobby: Well our next one's a REAL TOUGHIE!  
  
[The first picture's Marilyn Manson. The second's Micheal Jackson. The third's Tom Green.]  
  
Bobby: WHO'S THE MUTANT!!!  
  
Audiance: 'Ouch...' 'That's TOO hard...' 'Nope, too rich for my blood.' 'My mom says not to pick my belly button!' 'I'm stumped' 'Me too.'  
  
Professor: It's number two! I tutored him for a year!  
  
Bobby: Actually it's a trick question professor. ALL THREE ARE MUTIES!^^  
  
[Everyone claps and cheers. There's a loud siren.]  
  
Bobby: That siren can only mean one thing!  
  
Mystique: It's time for the lightning round?  
  
Bobby: No, that Kurt had to call the cops to pry Evan and Pietro appart. But that's not a bad idea!  
  
Professor: Oh boy! And while we're waiting for them to bring out the cones of silence, let's check on our number board. Hi Jean!  
  
Mystique: Now there's something you need.  
  
Jean: We're made it to $12,045.08! But that's not enough to cover the dental bills! Please call in with your donations! We've worked really hard on this season, but without your support the third season can't even get off the ground! Our operators are standing by. In fact, let's listen to one of our donators right now.  
  
[Close up on Juggernaut on the phone.]  
  
Juggernaut: Joe's Crematorium, you kill 'em we grill 'em.  
  
Gambit: Hello, dhis be Gambit. He just seen Strategy-X and---  
  
[Juggernaut slams the phone down.]  
  
Juggernaut: When will that bum get a REAL job...  
  
[He sees the camera's on him.]  
  
Juggernaut: Hey! Get that ####in' camera off me!  
  
[The camera turns to Principal Kelly.]  
  
Kelly: C'mon! You gotta chip in or I'm gonna be PRINCIPAL Kelly for the remainder of my natural life! NO! NO! Don't hang up! Whaddo I gotta do to keep you on the phone!  
  
Caller: Do the happy dance.  
  
Kelly: Do the what? How're you gonna see it the camera's---  
  
[Kelly sees the camera.]  
  
Kelly: ---...just inches away from my face. Ok, I'll do it...  
  
[Kelly gets up and starts shuffling his feet.]   
  
Caller: Sing the song too!  
  
Kelly: ~...I'm doin' the happy dance...doin' the happy dance...doin' the happy dance...~  
  
[Cut to: Center stage, Xavier is nest to Bobby and Mystique has the cone of silence around her head.]  
  
Bobby: That's great Jean! Keep us posted, but now it's time for the lightning round. The rules are as follows, I'll read off this list of names. You say whether this person is a mutant or human. You've got fifteen seconds professor Xavier, are you ready!?  
  
Professor: As ready as I'll ever be.  
  
[A ticking clock appears in the corner of the screen.]  
  
Bobby: Faye Valentine...  
  
Professor: Human.  
  
PING!  
  
Bobby: Son Goku...  
  
Professor: ...mutant.  
  
PING!  
  
Bobby: Katsuhiko Jinai...  
  
Professor: Muant, no human can laugh like that.  
  
BUZZ!  
  
Bobby: Naga...  
  
Professor: Mutant...  
  
BUZZ!  
  
Bobby: Ash Catchem...  
  
Professor: Mutant, to annoying to be a human.  
  
BUZZ!  
  
Bobby: Gene Starwind...  
  
Professor: Human.  
  
PING!  
  
Bobby: Britanny Diggers...  
  
Professor: Mutant.  
  
PING!  
  
Bobby: Anthy Himemiya...  
  
Professor: Mutant.  
  
BUZZ!  
  
Bobby: Bart Simpson...  
  
Professor: Mutant.  
  
BUZZ!  
  
Bobby: And finally, Freakazoid...  
  
Professor: Human, no wait mutant.  
  
PING!  
  
[The buzzer goes off.]  
  
Bobby: Not bad professor, five of ten. Now Mystique has to do better than five in order to win.  
  
Mystique: ...  
  
Bobby: Ok Mystique you can come out now.  
  
[Mystique takes off the cone of silence.]  
  
Bobby: Ok Mystique, now professor scored five out of ten so five is the score to beat. Just say whether the person I say is a mutant or a human, let's put fifteen seconds on the clock. Are you ready?  
  
Mystique: Yes indeedy.  
  
Bobby: Faye Valentine...  
  
Mystique: Human.  
  
PING!  
  
Bobby: Son Goku...  
  
Mystique: Mutant.  
  
PING!  
  
Bobby: Katsuhiko Jinai...  
  
Mystique: Um...pass.  
  
Bobby: Naga...  
  
Mystique: Mutant.  
  
BUZZ!  
  
Bobby: Ash Catchem...  
  
Mystique: Human, too annoying to be a mutant.  
  
PING!  
  
Bobby: Gene Starwind...  
  
Mystique: Human.  
  
PING!  
  
Bobby: Britanny Diggers...  
  
Mystique: Mutant.  
  
PING!  
  
Bobby: Anthy Himemiya...  
  
Mystique: Mutant.  
  
BUZZ!  
  
Bobby: Bart Simpson...  
  
Mystique: Human.  
  
PING!  
  
Bobby: Freakazoid...  
  
Mystique: Mutant.  
  
PING!  
  
Bobby: Ok, Katsuhiko Jinai...  
  
Mystique: Um...  
  
[A loud buzzer goes off.]  
  
Bobby: I'm so sorry Mystique, Jinai is human. I know, I'm as shocked as you are. But you beat the professor with seven out of ten! Thank you both for playing WHO'S THE MUTANT!  
  
[The audiance applauds Bobby as he makes an ice slide off stage.]  
  
Professor: Thanks again Bobby, we'll be right back after we have Sabretooth spayed.  
  
[Sabretooth looks up, he looks a little nervous.]  
  
Sabretooth: Wha...?  
  
[Cut to comercial.] 


	3. Where has all da money gone?

The X-Men: Evolution telethon  
By: Nagi-Oki  
  
Scene: Mystique and the professor are watching something going on off screen. There's a sound like a guilotinne falling then a loud screaming.  
  
Mystique: A-Mazing!!! Let's hear it for rabbai Tuckman!  
  
[The audiance claps as the rabbai walks on screen taking a bow. There's a whimpering heard off screen.]  
  
Rabbai: Put a little ice on it, it'll be fine.  
  
Sabretooth: OWWWIE!!!  
  
Professor: Thanks again rabbai, too bad the Benedictine monks canceled on us.  
  
[The rabbai leaves the stage.]  
  
Mystique: So professor, what other pleasant surprises can we expect tonight?  
  
Professor: I don't know Mystique, but I'm definately excited!  
  
[Juggernaut stands up and takes off his chestplate.]  
  
Juggernaut: YOU'RE excited!? Feel these nipples!  
  
[The professor shudders.]  
  
Professor: Yeeuuuuuuuuggghhh...  
  
Mystique: Uhhhh...maybe we should go to studio 58 where a few of the new recruits have made a tribute to somebody very special. YES! You know him, you love him, but you'll never spend more than five minutes alone in a car with him! Todd Tolensky!  
  
[Everybody claps as the scene cuts to Bayville auditorium done up for a dance. Arcade's still at the turn tables. Jubilee, Amara, Rahne, Kitty, Rogue, and Tabitha are dressed up as fly dancers. Ray, Bobby, and Roberto are off to the side dressed in equally fly threads. The Toad stumbles out looking like Marky Mark's closet threw up on him. The girls walk around him in a kind of tease fashion.]  
  
Girls: Give it to me baby,  
  
Todd: Uh huh uh huh  
  
Girls: Give it to me baby,  
  
Tod: Uh huh uh huh  
  
Girls: Give it to me baby,  
  
Todd: Uh huh uh huh  
And all the girlies say I'm pretty fly for a white guy  
  
[The girls push Todd down as the guitar solo starts. Roberto counts off the numbers on his fingers.]  
  
Roberto: Uno dos tres cuatro cinco cinco seis  
  
[Ray takes the mike as Todd tries to 'hang out with Roberto and Bobby who just push him away comically.]  
  
Ray:  
You know its kind of hard  
Just to get along today  
Our subject isn't cool   
But he fakes it anyway  
  
[Bobby takes the mike as Todd tries flirting with Amara only to get a cup dumped on his head.]  
  
Bobby:  
He may not have a clue and  
He may not have style  
But everything he lacks  
Well he makes a big denial  
  
[Todd shrugs and just tries to dance a little as the girls laugh at him.]  
  
Ray, Roberto, + Bobby:  
So don't debate  
A player straight  
You know he really doesn't get it anyway  
Gonna play the field  
And keep it real  
For you no way  
For you no way  
So if you don't rate  
Just overcompensate  
At least you know you can always go on Ricki Lake  
  
[Todd watches as everyone walks over to a new corner of the floor and he scrambles to follow them.]  
  
Ray, Roberto, + Bobby:  
The world needs wannabee's so  
Hey hey  
Do that brand new thing  
  
[The girls dance seductively teasing and taunting Todd.]  
  
Girls:  
Give it to me baby,  
  
Todd:  
Uh huh uh huh  
  
Girls:  
Give it to me baby,  
  
Todd:  
Uh huh uh huh  
  
Girls:  
Give it to me baby,  
  
Todd:  
Uh huh uh huh  
And all the girlies say I'm pretty fly---  
  
[The girls push him over making gag faces at his poser attempts.]  
  
Girls:  
for a white guy  
  
Bobby:  
He needs some cool tunes  
Not just any will suffice  
  
[Ray hold up a poster of Ice Cube.]  
  
Bobby:  
But they didn't have Ice Cube  
  
[Roberto holds up a Vanilla Ice poster.]  
  
Bobby:  
So he bought Vanilla Ice  
  
[Ray and Roberto kind of stand hanging around when Todd walks up giving the white guy jive thing.]  
  
Bobby:  
Now cruising in his Pinto  
He sees homies as he pass  
  
[Ray and Roberto look at each other then pretend to beat up Todd.]  
  
Bobby:  
But if he looks twice  
They're gonna kick his lily @$$!  
  
[Ray and Roberto leave Todd to go sing the chorus with Bobby.]  
  
Ray, Bobby, + Roberto:  
So don't debate  
A player straight  
You know he really doesn't get it anyway  
Gonna play the field  
And keep it real  
For you no way  
For you no way  
So if you don't rate  
Just overcompensate  
At least you know you can always go on Ricki Lake  
  
[Todd gets up and stylishly stumbles around looking like he's dancing. The girls start taking more of an interest in him.]  
  
Ray, Bobby, + Roberto:  
The world loves wannabee's so  
Hey hey  
Do that brand new thing  
  
Roberto:  
Now he's gettin' a tattoo yeah  
He's gettin' ink done  
He asked for a 13  
  
[Todd lifts up his shirt there's a big 31 painted on his chest.]  
  
Roberto:  
But they drew a 31  
Friends say he's trying to hard  
And he's not quite hip  
But in his own mind   
He's the he's the dopest trip  
  
[The girls start dancing, Todd's still kinda stumbling around. They're diggin' his actions.]  
  
Girls:  
Give it to me baby,  
  
Todd:  
Uh huh uh huh  
  
Girls:  
Give it to me baby,  
  
Todd:  
Uh huh uh huh  
  
Girls:  
Give it to me baby,  
  
Todd:  
Uh huh uh huh  
  
[Roberto counts off on his fingers.]  
Roberto:  
Uno dos tres cuatro cinco cinco seis  
  
[Roberto, Ray, and Bobby try to flirt with the girls and dance with them.]  
  
Ray, Bobby, + Roberto:  
So don't debate  
A player straight  
You know he really doesn't get it anyway  
Gonna play the field  
And keep it real  
For you no way  
For you no way  
So if you don't rate  
Just overcompensate  
At least you know you can always go on Ricki Lake  
  
Ray, Bobby, + Roberto:  
The world needs wannabee's ah  
The world loves a wannabee's so ah  
Lets get some more a wannabee's and ah  
Hey hey  
Do that brand new thing  
  
[Ray, Roberto, and Bobby stand there slack jawed and shocked as the girls walk off flirting with Todd. They turn to the camera and shrug. The audiance goes wild. Cut to: Mystique and the professor clapping for the group.]  
  
Mystique: Bravo! Bravo!  
  
Professor: Aren't they talented? Those boys will go far one day, mark my words!  
  
Mystique: Ok, let's go to Forge and---  
  
[Mystique turns and sees Paul taking calls instead of Forge.]  
  
Professor: Paul...?  
  
Paul: One second!  
  
Mystique: Paul where's Forge?  
  
Paul: He had to leave early, he had to go to his Hook'd on Ebonics class.  
  
Professor: Oh yea, those classes have really paid off, I haven't heard a cheesy 70's phrase out of him for a month.  
  
Mystique: Ok, why is Griff taking Sabretooth's calls?  
  
Griff: Went to get some ice, still hurtin' from the rabbai.  
  
Mystique: Ok, why's Duncan taking Beast's calls?  
  
Duncan: Sabretooth wanted a medical opinion.  
  
Mystique: And why is Jason taking Juggernaut's calls?  
  
Jason: The big baby needed someone to hold his hand.  
  
Mystique: Oh well, hey Jean how's the figure's coming!?  
  
Jean: We're up to $30,701.68 and still going strong!  
  
[The audiance cheers.]  
  
Professor: That's just grand, but I'm afraid we still need more. That's why to those of you who pledge $100 dollars we're giving you as a special gift, this...  
  
[Mystique holds up can/bottle opener keychain.]  
  
Mystique: This Keychain bottle AND can opener. No more broken nails from those pop-tops any more and they say a REAL MAN can open bottles with his teeth, they mean a REAL STUPID MAN!  
  
Professor: For those of you who pledge $200, we offer...  
  
[Mystique holds up a lock of hair.]  
  
Professor: A lock of hair?  
  
Mystique: Not just ANY lock of hair. A lock of Logan's back hair!  
  
Professor: Ewww! And you're holding it!  
  
Mystique: Shut up and get to the $300 pledge, this crap isn't that pleasant to hold.  
  
Professor: Ok, for $300 we give you...  
  
[Mystique holds up an autographed picture of the Blob.]  
  
Professor: ...Maybe we should give them something these people might actually want.  
  
Mystique: Hey, I suggested an autographed picture of Pietro but it'd cost a bloody fortune.  
  
Professor: How so?  
  
Mystique: The kid's too dang vain for his own good. That's another reason we need the money, he won't let his face be recorded by the best most expensive equipment on the planet.  
  
Professor: Well...all the more incentive to donate $400 and receive...  
  
[Mystique holds up a CD.]  
  
Mystique: 'Drunken Karaoke Party' 5 'Version: X...MEN!'. Yes, you can have this CD of your favorite X-Men from all over the X-Verse drunk out of their skulls singing Karaoke! In this CD you get a VERY drunken Uncanny Sabretooth and Wolverine singing 'Macarena', Movie Sabretooth singing 'Feelings', you get Ultimate Brotherhood singing 'Princes of the Universe'. AND if you throw in an extra $100 we'll add 'A VERY DRUNK MAGNETO AIRS HIS GRIEVENCES!' CD. In fact let's give track 1 'Toad take a ****in' bath!'...  
  
[They play: A loud belch is heard.]  
  
CD Magneto: Oh GAWD!!! What died in HERE!? Oh...it's just you Toad, PHE-WYY! When's the last time you had a bath! You ****in' stink ya know that!?  
  
Mystique: And you'll get such rare moments as 'Professor Magneto'...  
  
CD Magneto: ...And in the end. The French will rot in hell, along with the Nazis and merderererers and country singers!  
  
CD Jamie: Mr. Magneto you're scaring me.  
  
CD Magneto: *EEEEERP*  
  
Mystique: That one's my favorite.  
  
Professor: So call in. And completely off subject I'm just taking the time to thank our wonderful and gracious guest stars who take our crap, work with the suckiest dialogue, the worst storylines, and get paid even LESS than the kid who works at Burger King.  
  
Mystique: YES! And if we get enough funding we'll have PLENTY of surprising and wonderful guests. Like Carrot Top!  
  
[The room goes silent.]  
  
Mystique: Who will be killed by Toad!  
  
[The room goes wild with cheers of joy.]  
  
Professor: And Popeye! You REALLY didn't BELIEVE it was the SPINACH did you?  
  
[Mystique puts a captain's hat on ther professor's head and gives him a pipe. Everyone cracks up, although the professor looks in a mirror and takes a liking to the hat.]  
  
Professor: Not bad, I've been looking for a new look. What do you think Mystique?  
  
Mystique: Cute, in fact it would have been a great prop in tha music video the kids made.  
  
Professor: Well then let's have a look.  
  
[Cut to: It's the beach at sunset, Pietro is wearing a bad hawaiian shirt and a lei beating some bongos.]  
  
Everyone:  
Aruba, Jamaica, ooo I wanna take you  
Bermuda, Bahama, come on pretty mama  
Key Largo, Montego, baby why don't we go  
  
[Alex surfs in.]  
  
Alex:  
Off the Florida Keys  
There's a place called Kokomo  
That's where you wanna go to get away from it all  
  
[Evan is dressed as bad as Pietro with a pair of shades and playing the steel drums.]  
  
Alex:  
Bodies in the sand  
Tropical drink melting in your hand  
  
[Toad is sipping from Lance's drink. When Lance turns to drink he blinks seeing his glass is empty.]  
  
Alex:  
We'll be falling in love  
To the rhythm of a steel drum band  
Down in Kokomo  
  
[Scott, Kurt, and Bobby are dancing with Rahne, Kitty, and Amara in hula skirts.]  
  
Scott, Kurt, + Bobby:  
Aruba, Jamaica, ooo I wanna take you  
To Bermuda, Bahama, come on pretty mama  
Key Largo, Montego, baby why don't we go  
  
Amara, Rahne, + Kitty:  
Ooo .... I wanna take you down to Kokomo  
  
Alex:  
We'll get there fast  
And then we'll take it slow  
That's where we wanna go  
Way down to Kokomo ...  
  
Toad:  
To Martinique, that Monserrat mystique  
  
[Alex steps his way over to Rogue who looks like her usual miserable self.]  
  
Alex:  
We'll put out to sea  
And we'll perfect our chemistry  
  
[Rogue hmphs and slaps Alex. Then flips him over her shoulder.]  
  
Alex:  
By and by we'll defy a little bit of gravity  
  
[Alex crashes into a pile of surfboards the stumbles to his feet.]  
  
Alex:  
Afternoon delight  
Cocktails and moonlit nights  
  
[Alex then tries to flirt with Ororo who is drinking a tropical cocktail.]  
  
Alex:  
That dreamy look in your eye  
Give me a tropical contact high  
  
[Ororo sprays pepper spray in Alex's eyes. He stumbles around blindly.]  
  
Alex:  
Way down in Kokomo ...  
  
[Lance pushes Bobby out of the way so he can hula with Kitty who just smiles and giggles stupidly.]  
  
Scott, Kurt, + Lance:  
Aruba, Jamaica, ooo I wanna take you  
To Bermuda, Bahama, come on pretty mama  
Key Largo, Montego, baby why don't we go  
  
Amara, Rahne, + Kitty:  
Ooo ... I wanna take you down to Kokomo  
  
[Alex blindly stumbles infront of the girls.]  
  
Alex:  
We'll get there fast  
And then we'll take it slow  
That's where we wanna go  
Way down to Kokomo ...  
  
Todd:  
Port Au Prince I wanna catch a glimpse  
  
[Jamie plays a saxophone solo, Alex finally regains his sight. Meanwhile Jean, Amanda, and Taryn stumble upon the set.]  
  
Alex:  
Everybody knows  
A little place like Kokomo  
Now if you wanna go  
And get away from it all  
Go down to Kokomo ...  
  
[Jean, Amanda, and Taryn see Kurt and Scott dancing with Amara and Rahne. The boys eep and run the girls in hot pursuit.]  
  
Scott + Kurt:  
Aruba, Jamaica, ooo I wanna take you  
To Bermuda, Bahama, come on pretty mama  
Key Largo, Montego, baby why don't we go  
  
Amara, Rahne, + Kitty:  
Ooo ... I wanna take you down to Kokomo  
  
Alex:  
We'll get there fast  
And then we'll take it slow  
That's where we wanna go  
Way down to Kokomo ...  
  
[Everyone winces as Jean grabs a folding chair and chases after Scott with Taryn carrying a tiki torch. Amanda has Kurt conered and is beating him with a boogie board.  
  
Everyone:  
Aruba, Jamaica. ooo I wanna take you  
To Bermuda, Bahama, come on pretty mama  
Key Largo, Montego, baby why don't we go  
  
[Scott runs towards the camera screaming.]  
  
Alex:  
Ooo ... I wanna take you down to Kokomo  
We'll get there fast  
And then we'll take it slow  
That's where we wanna go....  
  
[Jean smacks the camera and the video fuzzes out. Cut to: Professor and Mystique, the professor's still wearing his hat.]  
  
Professor: Their footage was found a year later...And it won first prize on America's Funniest Home Videos.  
  
Mystique: Hey! Where do you think you're going? You're the designated driver! Stay tuned for more wackiness.^^  
  
[Cut to commercial.] 


	4. Money for nuttin', chicks for free!

X-Men: Evolution Telethon  
By: Nagi-Oki  
  
Scene: Mystique and the professor talking to a very doped up Sabretooth.  
  
Sabretooth: ...And THAT's how ya get rid of a boil.  
  
Mystique: Thank you Sabretooth, that was...disgusting...  
  
[He gives Mystique a big hug holding onto her, falling like dead weight.]  
  
Mystique: Um...Sabretooth...you're too heavy, get off!  
  
[Mystique falls to the ground with Sabretooth on top of her.]  
  
Sabretooth: *Zzzzzzzzz...*  
  
Mystique: AAAAAAAAGGGHHHH!!! SOMEBODY GET THIS SMELLY BEHEMOTH OFF ME!!!  
  
Professor: Awwwww...but you make such a cute couple.  
  
[Mystique growls something indiscernable.]  
  
Professor: And while we're getting the forklift to get Sabretooth to the sick bay let's go to Scott, Evan, Warren, Lance, Fred, and Pietro are ready and rarin' to entertain us.  
  
OS Todd: We got a problem!  
  
[The professor looks off stage.]  
  
OS Kurt: Not now Toad, I've gotta call dhe tumbling chimps and find out vhere dhe hell dhey are!  
  
OS Todd: I got Lance on the phone in studio 11. They say they ain't doin' it.  
  
OS Kurt: VHAT!? Ok, patch him through. If it ain't von dhing, dhose idiots will be sure to screw up!  
  
OS Lance: NOT FOR ALL THE GOLD IN WASHINGTON'S NOSE!!!  
  
OS Kurt: Lance, I don't have time to argue mit you just do dhe skit!  
  
OS Lance: What about my dignity and honor as a man!?  
  
OS Todd: You pretty much gave that up when you started wearing that fruitbowl on your head, yo.  
  
OS Kurt: Grrrrr, ok vhy don't you vant to do your cute little skit.  
  
OS Scott: For one thing, you know I'm a bad singer...  
  
OS Kurt: AND a bad actor, and a bad dresser, and a bad dancer, and a bad leader but dhat never stopped you before!  
  
OS Scott: Yea but---HEY!  
  
OS Evan: It's stupid!  
  
OS KURT: Oh shut up Evan, after the lousy ratings YOU'RE dragging you're lucky ve even keep you around!  
  
OS Pietro: I'm actually excited about this project.  
  
OS Lance: No surprise on this end.  
  
OS Pietro: Shut up Lance!  
  
OS Fred: And Warren's gone AWOL.  
  
OS Kurt: W H A T ! ?  
  
OS Fred: You heard me, the flying chicken flew the coop. We need a replacement! Someone who knows the lyrics.  
  
OS Kurt: FINE! FINE! I'll be right dhere, gimme a minute to shackle somevon else at dhe helm of dhis showboat to hell.  
  
OS Todd: Ehem...EHem...EHEM!  
  
OS Kurt: Some Riccola will clear dhat right up, JAMIE!  
  
OS Todd: Jamie!?  
  
OS Jamie: Hey Kurt what's up?  
  
OS Kurt: Take my headsets and clipboard, you're in charge now. One of dhe boobs in studio 11 escaped so now I have to go replace him. Have dhe professor stall mit some crap or other...an outtake! Have him show an outtake, call the dhe tumbling chimps, tell dhem dhat if dhey ever vanna tumble in DHIS town ever again dhey'd better get dheir butts here SCHNELL! And call the Rockettes, tell dhem dhey're on in 30.  
  
OS Todd: You got da Rockettes?  
  
OS Kurt: Never underestimate dhe power of dhe fuzzy one! I'M OFF!  
  
*BAMF*  
  
OS Jamie: Ok people! You're on MY time now! Magneto get your stuff ready and move it to studio 9! Todd hop to it and get that outtake reel up! Professor stall, outtakes!  
  
Professor: You do know we heard the whole thing right?  
  
OS Jamie: You wanna explain to Kurt why we're wastin' time while he's been bustin' his hump for us!?  
  
Professor: Touche...You know, X-Men: Evolution may cast the most talented mutant actors New Jersey has to offer. But just because they're stars doesn't mean they don't make mistakes. So here's some BLOOPERS OF THE MUTANT STARS!!!  
  
[Cut to: Fight scene on the beach of THE CAULDRON I, Fred falls on top of Kitty. She phases through but she's naked (cue blackboxes). She wobbles around acting dizzy while the other actors crack up.]  
  
Kitty: Hey you guys! Like what's so funny!?  
  
Rogue: Ha ha ha! Feel a draft Kitty?! Bwa ha ha ha ha!!  
  
Kitty: Like now that you mention it I...EEEEEEEKKKK!!! CUT! CUT!! CUT!!!  
  
[Cut to: Hallway scene from SPEED & SPYKE, Pietro is showing off his costume to Evan, he doesn't see the spider crawing up his stomach.]  
  
Pietro: Like the costume? Made it m'self, took about a quarter second.  
  
Evan: OH MY GOD THERE'S A HUGE @$$ SPIDER crawling on your costume!  
  
Pietro: AAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHH! GETITOFF!! GETITOFF!!!  
  
[Pietro runs around ripping at his costume trying toget rid of the spider. Cut to: Mystique and Kurt in SHADOWED PAST, Mystique has her hood up, Kurt turns to her.]  
  
Kurt: Who are you...  
  
[Mystique breathes heavily as she lowers her hood.]  
  
Mystique: Kurt...(ChoooHah)...I am your mother...(ChooHahh)...  
  
[Kurt gives Mystique a dirty look.]  
  
Kurt: Vhas dhis trip really necessary?  
  
[Kurt and Mystique crack up laughing. Cut to: Bobby and Sam playing catch in GROWING PAINS, Bobby makes an ice slide and the rolls of it and hits him in the nose. Everyone cracks up laughing as Bobby runs around.]  
  
Bobby: AAAAGGGHHHHH! My nose! My beautiful nose! I'm damaged goods! Stop laughing you jerks this isn't funny!  
  
[Cut to: Center stage, the professor's fallen asleep. A fork lift's getting Sabretooth off of Mystique. Todd sneaks out on stage and prods the professor with a stick. He snerks and wakes up.]  
  
Professor: ...time form my changing nurse Walker?  
  
Todd: No, time for you to introduce the next skit.  
  
Professor: I thought I did.  
  
Todd: Yea well do it again, only use Fuzzy's name insteada Warren yo.  
  
[Todd slinks off stage.]  
  
Professor: Ok...now we'll go to studio 11 where hopefully Lance, Pietro, Fred, Scott, Evan, and Kurt are ready to perform.  
  
[Cut to: Stage with 6 mikes up. The guys are behind them, but the lights aren't on. They start clapping (in tune to IN THE NAVY) The first light shines down on Pietro dressed as in camou pants, a green hat, and black tank top. The second light shines down on Lance dressed as a construction worker. The next light shines down on Fred dressed as an indian. The next light shines down on Kurt who's dressed like a biker. The next light shines down on Scott dressed as a cowboy. The last light shines down on Evan dressed as a police man.]  
  
Pietro, Lance, & Fred:  
They want you, they want you  
They want you as a new recruit  
  
Kurt, Scott, & Evan:  
They want you, they want you  
They want you as a new recruit  
  
Kurt: 1! 2! 1 2 3 ahhh!  
  
[They stand tall and straight when the music starts, they salute the audiance. They start marching in place.]  
  
Scott:  
Where can you find pleasure  
Search the world for treasure  
Learn science technology  
  
[Scott sways his arms as he marches.]  
  
Lance:  
Where can you begin to make your dreams all come true  
On the land or on the sea  
  
[Lance adds a shuffle step as he marches.]  
  
Evan:  
Where can you learn to fly  
Play in sports and skin dive  
Study oceanography  
  
[Evan shakes his hips a little.]  
  
Pietro:  
Sign up for the big band  
Or sit in the grandstand  
When your team and others meet  
  
[The guys move in unison as they dance a little.]  
  
Boys:  
In the navy  
  
Kurt:  
Yes, you can sail the seven seas  
  
Boys:  
In the navy  
  
Fred:  
Yes, you can put your mind at ease  
  
Boys:  
In the navy  
  
Scott:  
Come on now, people, make a stand  
  
Boys:  
In the navy, in the navy  
  
Lance:  
Can't you see we need a hand  
  
Boys:  
In the navy  
  
Evan:  
Come on, protect the mother land  
  
Boys:  
In the navy  
  
Pietro:  
Come on and join your fellow man  
  
Boys:  
In the navy  
  
Kurt:  
Come on people, and make a stand  
  
Boys:  
In the navy, in the navy, in the navy   
  
Kurt:  
In the navy  
  
[The boys clap as a ship rolls out behind them with extra characters dressed as sailors.]  
  
Sailors:  
We want you, We want you  
We want you as a new recruit  
  
Kurt:  
If you like adventure  
Don't you vait to enter  
Dhe recruiting office fast  
  
Fred:  
Don't you hesitate  
There is no need to wait  
They're signing up new seamen fast  
  
Scott:  
Maybe you are too young  
To join up today  
Bout don't you worry 'bout a thing  
  
Lance:  
For I'm sure there will be  
Always a good navy  
Protecting the land and sea  
  
[Lance and Scott hold up signal flags waving them around in synch pretending to be signing.]  
  
Sailors:  
In the navy  
  
Kurt:  
Yes, you can sail the seven seas  
  
Sailors:  
In the navy  
  
Fred:  
Yes, you can put your mind at ease  
  
Sailors:  
In the navy  
  
Scott:  
Come on be bold and make a stand  
  
Sailors:  
In the navy, in the navy  
  
Lance:  
Can't you see we need a hand  
  
Sailors:  
In the navy  
  
Evan:  
Come on, protect the motherland  
  
Sailors:  
In the navy  
  
Pietro:  
Come on and join your fellow man  
  
Sailors:  
In the navy  
  
Kurt:  
Come on be bold and make a stand  
  
Sailors:  
In the navy, in the navy, in the navy  
  
Kurt:  
In the navy  
  
[The sailors leave the boat and head towards Pietro pointing at him.]  
  
Sailors:  
We want you, We want you  
We want you as a new recruit  
  
Pietro: Who me?  
  
[The sailors grab Pietro and try to drag him to the boat. He looks nervous.]  
  
Sailors:  
We want you, We want you  
We want you as a new recruit  
  
Pietro: But! But! But! But I'm afraid of water!  
  
[Pietro breaks free and hides behind Kurt.]  
  
Pietro: Hey, hey look man. I get seasick even watchin' it on TV!  
  
Sailors:  
We want you, Wey want you in the navy  
  
Pietro: Oh my goodness, what am I gonna do in a submarine?!  
  
Sailors:  
We want you, we want you in the navy  
  
Pietro: You don't want me...You want him!  
  
[Pietro points to Evan who shakes his head profusely and points back to Pietro.]  
  
Pietro: On no, not me! They want you! Yea you look just like a navy man! You too!  
  
[Pietro points to Tabitha who's manning a cannon.]  
  
Pietro: They want you! I think they'll take females.  
  
Scott:  
Where can you find pleasure  
  
Lance:  
Search the world for treasure  
  
Lance & Scott:  
Learn science technology  
  
Guys:  
Where can you begin to make your dreams all come true  
On the land or on the sea  
  
Kurt:  
Where can you learn to fly  
  
Fred:  
Play in sports and skin dive  
  
Kurt & Fred:  
Study oceanography  
  
Evan:  
Sign up for the big band  
  
Pietro:  
Or sit in the grandstand  
  
Evan & Pietro:  
When your team and others meet  
  
[The mini cannons on the boat shoot of sparklers and mini fireworks.]  
  
Sailors:  
In the navy  
  
Kurt:  
Yes, you can sail the seven seas  
  
Sailors:  
In the navy  
  
Fred:  
Yes, you can put your mind at ease  
  
Sailors:  
In the navy  
  
Scott:  
Come on be bold and make a stand  
  
Sailors:  
In the navy, in the navy  
  
Lance:  
Can't you see we need a hand  
  
Sailors:  
In the navy  
  
Evan:  
Come protect the motherland  
  
Sailors:  
In the navy  
  
Pietro:  
Come on and join your fellow man  
  
Sailors:  
In the navy  
  
Guys:  
Come on be bold and make a stand  
  
[The boat rolls off with the sailors following. The music stops and the audiance goes wild.]  
  
Scott: Did we get any new recruits out there!?  
  
Kurt: Ok everybody, ve goin' to dhe Y! So get up cuz ve gotta do this right!  
  
[The audiance stands up.]  
  
Pietro: Get up to get down baby!  
  
Kurt: Ready!? 1-2! 1-2-3-4!  
  
[The music starts up.]  
  
Evan: Alright y'all let's have some fun!  
  
Guys: Young man!  
  
Scott:  
There's no need to feel down.  
I said  
  
Guys: Young man!  
  
Lance:  
Pick yourself off the ground.  
I said  
  
Guys: Young man!  
  
Scott:  
'Cause you're in a new town  
There's no  
  
Guys:  
Need-to be-un-happy.  
  
Guys: Young man!  
  
Kurt:  
Dhere's a place you can go.  
I said  
  
Guys: Young man!  
  
Fred:  
When you're short on your dough.  
You can...  
  
Guys: Stay there!  
  
Kurt:  
And I'm sure you will find  
Many  
  
Guys:  
Ways-to have-a-good time.  
  
[An image in the background comes up of the Xavier Institute.]  
  
Kurt:  
It's fun to stay at the  
  
[Pietro makes a 'Y', Lance makes a 'M', Fred makes a 'C', amd Scott makes an 'A'.]  
  
Pietro:  
Y  
  
Lance:  
M  
  
Fred:  
C  
  
Scott:  
A  
  
Kurt:  
It's fun to stay at the  
  
[Pietro makes a 'Y', Lance makes a 'M', Fred makes a 'C', amd Scott makes an 'A'.]  
  
Pietro:  
Y  
  
Lance:  
M  
  
Fred:  
C  
  
Scott:  
A  
  
Evan:  
They have everything for you men to enjoy,  
You can hang out with all the boys...  
  
Kurt:  
It's fun to stay at the  
  
[Pietro makes a 'Y', Lance makes a 'M', Fred makes a 'C', amd Scott makes an 'A'.]  
  
Pietro:  
Y  
  
Lance:  
M  
  
Fred:  
C  
  
Scott:  
A  
  
Kurt:  
It's fun to stay at the  
  
[Pietro makes a 'Y', Lance makes a 'M', Fred makes a 'C', amd Scott makes an 'A'.]  
  
Pietro:  
Y  
  
Lance:  
M  
  
Fred:  
C  
  
Scott:  
A  
  
Evan:  
You can get yourself cleaned, you can have a good meal,  
You can do whatever you feel...  
  
Guys: Young man!  
  
Pietro:  
Are you listening to me?  
I said  
  
Guys: Young man!  
  
Evan:  
What do you want to be?  
I said  
  
Guys: Young man!  
  
Pietro:  
You can make real your dreams.  
But  
  
Guys:  
You-got to-know this-one thing!  
  
Guys: No man!  
  
Lance:  
Does it all by himself.  
I said  
  
Guys: Young man!  
  
Scott:  
Put your pride on the shelf,  
And just  
  
Guys: Go there!  
  
Lance:  
To the y.m.c.a.  
I'm sure  
  
Guys:  
They-can help-you to-day.  
  
Kurt:  
It's fun to stay at the  
  
[Pietro makes a 'Y', Lance makes a 'M', Fred makes a 'C', amd Scott makes an 'A'.]  
  
Pietro:  
Y  
  
Lance:  
M  
  
Fred:  
C  
  
Scott:  
A  
  
Kurt:  
It's fun to stay at the  
  
[Pietro makes a 'Y', Lance makes a 'M', Fred makes a 'C', amd Scott makes an 'A'.]  
  
Pietro:  
Y  
  
Lance:  
M  
  
Fred:  
C  
  
Scott:  
A  
  
Evan:  
They have everything for you men to enjoy,  
You can hang out with all the boys...  
  
Kurt:  
It's fun to stay at the  
  
[Pietro makes a 'Y', Lance makes a 'M', Fred makes a 'C', amd Scott makes an 'A'.]  
  
Pietro:  
Y  
  
Lance:  
M  
  
Fred:  
C  
  
Scott:  
A  
  
Kurt:  
It's fun to stay at the  
  
[Pietro makes a 'Y', Lance makes a 'M', Fred makes a 'C', amd Scott makes an 'A'.]  
  
Pietro:  
Y  
  
Lance:  
M  
  
Fred:  
C  
  
Scott:  
A  
  
Evan:  
You can get yourself cleaned, you can have a good meal,  
You can do whatever you feel...  
  
Guys: Young man!  
  
Kurt:  
I was once in your shoes.  
I said  
  
Guys: I was!  
  
Scott:  
Down and out with the blues.  
I felt  
  
Guys: No man!  
  
Evan:  
Cared if I were alive.  
I felt  
  
Guys:  
The-whole world was-so jive...  
  
Guys: That's when!  
  
Fred:  
Someone came up to me,  
And said  
  
Guys: Young man!  
  
Lance:  
Take a walk up the street.  
There's a  
  
Guys: Place there!  
  
Pietro:  
Called the y.m.c.a.  
They can  
  
Guys:  
Start-you back on-your way.  
  
Kurt:  
It's fun to stay at the  
  
[Pietro makes a 'Y', Lance makes a 'M', Fred makes a 'C', amd Scott makes an 'A'.]  
  
Pietro:  
Y  
  
Lance:  
M  
  
Fred:  
C  
  
Scott:  
A  
  
Kurt:  
It's fun to stay at the  
  
[Pietro makes a 'Y', Lance makes a 'M', Fred makes a 'C', amd Scott makes an 'A'.]  
  
Pietro:  
Y  
  
Lance:  
M  
  
Fred:  
C  
  
Scott:  
A  
  
Evan:  
They have everything for you men to enjoy,  
You can hang out with all the boys...  
  
[Pietro makes a 'Y', Lance makes a 'M', Fred makes a 'C', amd Scott makes an 'A'.]  
  
Pietro:  
Y  
  
Lance:  
M  
  
Fred:  
C  
  
Scott:  
A  
  
Kurt:  
You'll find it at the  
  
[Pietro makes a 'Y', Lance makes a 'M', Fred makes a 'C', amd Scott makes an 'A'.]  
  
Pietro:  
Y  
  
Lance:  
M  
  
Fred:  
C  
  
Scott:  
A  
  
Evan:  
Young man, young man, there's no need to feel down.  
Young man, young man, get yourself off the ground.  
  
[Pietro makes a 'Y', Lance makes a 'M', Fred makes a 'C', amd Scott makes an 'A'.]  
  
Pietro:  
Y  
  
Lance:  
M  
  
Fred:  
C  
  
Scott:  
A  
  
Kurt:  
You'll find it at the  
  
[Pietro makes a 'Y', Lance makes a 'M', Fred makes a 'C', amd Scott makes an 'A'.]  
  
Pietro:  
Y  
  
Lance:  
M  
  
Fred:  
C  
  
Scott:  
A  
  
Evan:  
Young man, young man, I was once in your shoes.  
Young man, young man, I was down with the blues.  
  
[Pietro makes a 'Y', Lance makes a 'M', Fred makes a 'C', amd Scott makes an 'A'.]  
  
Pietro:  
Y  
  
Lance:  
M  
  
Fred:  
C  
  
Scott:  
A  
  
Kurt:  
Just go to the  
  
[Pietro makes a 'Y', Lance makes a 'M', Fred makes a 'C', amd Scott makes an 'A'.]  
  
Pietro:  
Y  
  
Lance:  
M  
  
Fred:  
C  
  
Scott:  
A  
  
Evan:  
Young man, young man, are you listening to me?  
Young man, young man, what do you wanna be?  
  
[The song winds down and the audiance cheers wildly. Cut to: Mystique spraying herself with Lysol while the professor claps.]  
  
Mystique: Smelly smelly smelly...!  
  
Professor: Bravo! What a performance! So Jean how's our tally so far.  
  
Jean: MMMmmm, remind me to tell Scott to save that cowboy outfit. As you can see we've hit $537,921.50. WOW! That'sa lot!  
  
Professor: Yes it is, coming up dislexic serial killers that want to adopt!  
  
Mystique: When we come back from this commercial break.  
  
[Cut to commercial!]  
  
[AUTHOR'S NOTE: Ok, guys I'm at a crossroads. I'm starting to burn out on this. So depending on your response I'm eitrher gonna close this story in chapter 5 and begin a new story or I'm gonna keep this thing burnin'. 


	5. Goodbye to the Circus

X-Men: Evolution Telethon  
By: Nagi-Oki  
  
Scene: Mystique and the Professor are on the stage. The numbers to the number board are rolled up to the millions.  
  
Mystique: Wow! Thanks a lot Mr. Steinberner!  
  
Professor: Lucky for us that guy's a few ham sandwiches short of Oprah's midnight snack.  
  
[Beast is sitting behind an adding machine surrounded by unrolled paper. He has on a green visor and reading specs on.]  
  
Beast: It looks like we'll have plenty of money to pay for the third season.  
  
Professor: Really? You mean we'll have enough to pay for the food bill?  
  
[Beast types in some figures.]  
  
Beast: Yep!  
  
Mystique: We'll be able to pay for the new characters.  
  
[Beast toys with a few figures.]  
  
Beast: Yep!  
  
[Logan comes on screen holding a cup of coffee and eating a few donuts.]  
  
Logan: We'll be able to hire the guy who coreographed the fights in 'Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon' to coreograph the fights between me and Sabretooth?  
  
Beast: Have you been back stage all this time eating donuts and drinking coffee?  
  
Logan: I'm freakin' Wolverine I can do whatever I want. Just answer the question poindexter.  
  
[Beast hmphs and checks the figures.]  
  
Beast: Yep.  
  
[Gambit leaps down onto the stage.]  
  
Gambit: Enough money to bring Remy into de show?  
  
Beast: Why don't YOU get a REAL job?  
  
[Gambit pouts and looks down at his feet.]  
  
Gambit: Gambit's so lonely...  
  
[Mystique pulls a nearby lever causing Gambit to fall through a trap door.]  
  
Professor: When did we get that?  
  
Mystique: Oh we've had that for a while Charles. It's called a Ray Jay Johnson Ejector.  
  
Professor: You mean trap door.  
  
Mystique: Eh, same difference.  
  
[Agonizing screams of terror rise from the door.]  
  
Beast: My god Mystique, what awful death did you send him to?  
  
Mystique: It's a pit of rabid Gambit fans that've been snorting Pixie Stix.  
  
[Everyone shivers, what an awful way to go.]  
  
Paul: Remind me never to cross Mystique...  
  
Jason: Paul, we're the guys in red suits on Star Trek. You're lucky your grandmother sends you fanmail.  
  
Paul: Don't you talk about my gram-gram!  
  
Beast: We even have enough money to hire that psychiatrist we've been needing!  
  
[All the adults jump, hoot, and holler for joy.]  
  
Mystique: That's almost as good as running away and hiding in Cancun till these nuts are adults!^^  
  
Professor: Moving on, we've all seen the war between Logan and Sabretooth for Storm's affections.  
  
[An image of Sabretooth giving Storm a bouqet of white roses and Logan shooting glares at him comes up.]  
  
Mystique: PFFF! Who hasn't! Thanks to those two morons the florist's bought a yacht!  
  
[An image of Logan carving a hedge into a bust of Storm in front of her with Sabretooth snarling at Logan comes up.]  
  
Professor: Well, the two have conceeded to duel for the fair maiden's heart.  
  
[An image of Sabretooth on a carousel horse sitting with Ororo and Logan chasing them around comes up.]  
  
Mystique: Really? They went with the drinking contest idea?  
  
[An image of Sabretooth, Logan, and Ororo sticing their heads out through one of those cut out things comes up. Sabetooth's head sticks out of Bluto as Logan's head sticks out of Popeye and Ororo is Olive Oyl.]  
  
Professor: They tried that, they got too drunk to even remember who won. So now they will duel with music!  
  
[Cut to: Ororo sitting on a bench on a stage. Logan walks ou with a solitary red rose. Music starts playing.]  
  
Logan:  
Every night she walks right in my dreams  
Since I met her from the start  
I'm so proud I am the only one  
Who is special in her heart  
  
[Ororo takes the rose smiling to Logan blushing slightly.]  
  
Logan:  
The girl is mine  
The doggone girl is mine  
I know she's mine  
Because the doggone girl is mine  
  
[Sabretooth comes out with a boquet of red roses. Ororo turns and takes the roses smiling to Sabretooth.]  
  
Sabretooth:  
I don't understand the way you think  
Saying that she's yours not mine  
Sending roses and your silly dreams  
Really just a waste of time  
  
[Logan walks off stage growling.]  
  
Sabretooth:  
Because she's mine  
The doggone girl is mine  
  
[Logan comes back with a box of chocolates. Ororo blushes and turns to Logan looking a little unnerved by this.]  
  
Sabretooth:  
Don't waste your time  
Because the doggone girl is mine  
  
[Sabretooth pushes a large heart-shaped box of chocolates onto Ororo's lap. She looks down at the box.]  
  
Sabretooth:  
I love you more than he  
  
Apocalypse & Mesmero:  
Take you anywhere  
  
[Logan hands Ororo a burgundy box with a diamond ring in it. She looks a little uncomfortable now.]  
  
Logan:  
But I love you endlessly  
  
Apocalypse & Mesmero:  
Loving we will share  
  
[Logan takes one of Ororo's hands and Sabretooth takes the other.]  
  
Logan and Sabretooth:  
So come and go with me  
To one town  
  
[Logan and Sabretooth glare at each other Ororo looks very nervous now.]  
  
Logan:  
But we both cannot have her  
So it's one or the other  
And one day you'll discover  
That she's my girl forever and ever  
  
[Sabretooth and Logan start getting in each other's faces, Ororo is now trying to get loose from their grip.]  
  
Sabretooth:  
I don't build your hopes to be let down  
'Cause I really feel it's time  
  
Logan:  
I know she'll tell you I'm the one for her  
'Cause she said I blow her mind  
  
[Logan and Sabretooth are now face to face growling and snarling.]  
  
Logan:  
The girl is mine  
The doggone girl is mine  
Don't waste your time  
Because the doggone girl is mine  
  
[Logan and Sabretooth start a tug of war with Ororo who looks like she's about to scream.]  
  
Sabretooth: She's mine,  
  
Logan: She's Mine  
  
Sabretooth: No, no, no, she's mine  
  
Logan: The girl is mine,  
  
Sabretooth: The girl is mine  
  
Logan: The girl is mine,  
  
Sabretooth: The girl is mine  
  
[They let go of Ororo and get toe to toe with each other. Ororo glares at the two and gets up dusting herself off.]  
  
Sabretooth:  
The girl is mine,  
  
Logan: Mine! Mine!  
  
Sabretooth:  
Yep, she's mine  
  
Logan: Mine! Mine!  
  
Sabretooth:  
The girl is mine,   
  
Logan: Mine! Mine!  
  
Sabretooth:  
Yep, she's mine  
  
Logan: Mine! Mine!  
  
[Logan pushes Sabretooth off with a smug look.]  
  
Logan:  
Don't waste your time  
Because the doggone girl is mine  
The girl is mine, the girl is mine  
  
[Sabretooth stops singing.]  
  
Sabretooth: Logan, we're not going to fight about this, Ok?  
  
[Logan gets a sly grin on his face.]  
  
Logan: Creed, I think I told you, I'm a lover not a fighter.  
  
[Sabretooth rolls his eyes.]  
  
Sabretooth: I've heard it all before, Logan.  
She told me that I'm her forever lover, you know, don't you remember?  
  
Logan: Well, after lovin' me, she said she couldn't love another.  
  
[Sabretooth does a double take at Logan.]  
  
Sabretooth: Is that what she said?!  
  
Logan: Yea she said it, you keep dreaming.  
  
[Sabretooth starts singing again, cupping his hands over his ears as Logan sings tauntingly.]  
  
Sabretooth:  
I don't believe it!  
  
Logan:  
The girl is mine   
  
Apocalypse & Mesmero:  
Mine, mine, mine  
  
Sabretooth:  
No mine!  
  
Logan:  
No mine!  
  
Sabretooth:  
The girl is---  
  
[Suddenly Sabretooth and Logan are struck by lightning. They stand for a second then flop face forward onto the ground. Cut to: Main center stage where Ororo is glaring angrily off-screen.]  
  
Ororo: I have never been so embarrassed in all my life!  
  
Mystique: At least you GOT men after you.  
  
[Ororo stomps over to a sleeping Kelly and shakes him awake.]  
  
Ororo: Wake up b**** you're my new boyfriend.  
  
[Kelly looks around groggily then smiles.]  
  
Kelly: Ahright...  
  
[Mystique sighs looking miserable.]  
  
Mystique: Aw...I was gonna make the lil' b**** my boyfriend...  
  
OS-Magneto: Is it time for my skit yet!?  
  
Professor: We're getting to you keep your spandex on!  
  
Mystique: Yea, you ain't goin' anywhere!  
  
[The professor clears his throat.]  
  
Professor: And now for the last act of the evening....  
  
[Cut to: Author's computer terminal.]  
  
WE INTERUPT THIS FIC TO GIVE YOU A SPECIAL MESSAGE  
  
Nagi-Oki: Hey-o, all. Nagi-Oki here, I'm really glad to see everyone turn out for the clincher of this waste of space. I'm gonna return with more stuff but that's not why I interrupted this fic. I'm just gonna tell you the next skit is actually based on something my zoology teacher Mr. Szuchy (he had the coolest name) did at the faculty talent show in my old high school. So if it's really stupid, don't blame me.  
  
WE NOW RETURN YOU TO OUR STORY ALREADY IN PROGRESS  
  
[Cut to: Main stage with Mystique and the professor.]  
  
Mystique: Let's hear a round o' sound for Magneto and principal Kelly with Mambo No. 5!  
  
[Cut to: A different stage low lights. Kelly is off to the side with a microphone.]  
  
Kelly: Ladies and gentlemen, this is Mambo No. 5.  
  
[The music starts, Magneto stands still.]  
  
Kelly:  
1,  
  
[Magnmeto holds up one finger.]  
  
Kelly:  
2,  
  
[Magneto holds up a second finger.]  
  
Kelly:  
3, 4, 5  
  
[Magneto holds up coresponding fingers, bopping a little to the beat.]  
  
Kelly:  
Everybody in the car so come on let's ride  
To the liquor store around the corner  
The boys say they want some gin and juice  
But I really don't wanna  
  
[The lights come up, He's got a rigging attached to himself, of four girl manequins set to follow his movements. He still bops to the beat.]  
  
Beer buzz like I had last week  
I must stay deep cause talk is cheap  
I like Angela,  
  
[Magneto points to the first dummy on his left.]  
  
Kelly:  
Pamela,  
  
[Magneto points to the second dummy on his left.]  
  
Kelly:  
Sandra,  
  
[Magneto points to the first dummy on his right.]  
  
Kelly:  
And Rita  
  
[Magneto points to the second dummy on his right.]  
  
Kelly:  
And as they continue  
You know they getting sweeter  
  
[Magneto starts tramping around on the stage as Kelly sings.]  
  
Kelly:  
So what can I do  
I really beg you my Lord  
To me flirting is just like a sport  
Anything fly, it's all good  
let me jump in and send in the trumpet  
  
Kelly:  
A little bit of Monica, in my life  
A little bit of Erica, by my side  
A little bit of Rita's, all I need  
A little bit of Tina, is what I seek  
A little bit of Sandra in the sun  
A little bit of Mary, all night long  
A little bit of Jessica, here I am  
A little bit of you makes me your man  
  
Kelly: Mambo No. 5!  
  
Kelly:  
Jump up and down  
  
[Magneto jumps up.]  
  
Kelly:  
And move it all around  
  
[Magneto moves his hips in a wide circle.]  
  
Kelly:  
Shake your hand to the sound  
Put your hands on the ground  
  
[Magneto puts his hands on the ground.]  
  
Kelly:  
Take one step left  
  
[Magneto steps left.]  
  
Kelly:  
And one step right  
  
[Magneto steps right.]  
  
Kelly:  
One to the front  
  
[Magneto steps to the front.]  
  
Kelly:  
And one to the side  
  
[Magneto steps back.]  
  
Kelly:  
Clap your hands once  
  
[Magneto claps once.]  
  
Kelly:  
And clap your hands twice  
  
[Magneto claps twice.]  
  
Kelly:  
And if it looks like this  
Then you're doing in right  
  
[Magneto starts dancing around. He dances so he turns in a circle so his back is to the audiance. Across the back of the rig is 'A-P-P-L-A-U-S-E' spelled out. The audiance obliges.]  
  
Kelly:  
A little bit of Monica, in my life  
A little bit of Erica, by my side  
A little bit of Rita's, all I need  
A little bit of Tina, is what I seek  
A little bit of Sandra in the sun  
A little bit of Mary, all night long  
A little bit of Jessica, here I am  
A little bit of you makes me your man  
  
[When the song hits that loud blast sound, Magneto bends over.]  
  
Kelly: Trumpet!  
  
[Magneto bends over again.]  
  
Kelly: The trumpet! Mambo No. 5! Ha, ha, ha!  
  
[Magneto starts to turn around still dancing with the dummies.]  
  
Kelly:  
A little bit of Monica, in my life  
A little bit of Erica, by my side  
A little bit of Rita's, all I need  
A little bit of Tina, is what I seek  
A little bit of Sandra in the sun  
A little bit of Mary, all night long  
A little bit of Jessica, here I am  
A little bit of you makes me your man  
  
Kelly:  
I'd do all to  
Fall in love with a girl like you  
Cuz you can't run  
And you can't hide  
You and me gonna touch the sky  
  
Kelly: Mambo No. 5!  
  
[Cut to: Main stage, everyone's gathered up to the front. Mystique has a towel draped over her shoulders.]  
  
Mystique: Well, as much I hate to say, that's all folks.  
  
Professor: And I think we all learned something tonight...  
  
Scott: That Duncan's a geek for knowing all the words to an *NSYNC song?  
  
Duncan: Hey!  
  
Rogue: That Jean can count higher than 10?  
  
Jean: Rogue!  
  
Sabretooth: Not to use hot wax to soothe enraged lobsters?  
  
[Everyone gives him a funny look.]  
  
Sabretooth: What!?  
  
Jamie: That people are willing to pay a lot of money to watch others humiliate themselves on TV?  
  
[Kurt puts a hand around Jamie's shoulder.]  
  
Kurt: Dhat's vhat dhe entertainment industry's all about Jamie.  
  
Mystique: We all look forward to seeing you guys next time we need money. But until then...  
  
Professor: As you walk down that highway of life...  
  
Pietro: Hitch hike, it's faster!  
  
Everyone: Pietro!  
  
[Everyone waves goodbye as the curtain closes and the credits roll.]  
  
DAS END! 


End file.
